Inglourious Basterds: How to Rewrite History Like a Champ

The Holocaust was a terrible time for not only the Jews in Germany, but for those in many different nations around the world.

So Quentin Tarantino freakin' redeemed them with a Nazi-killing group of pissed off Jews in his Inglourious Basterds.

Let me just highlight some... highlights:


1. If you don't like Brad Pitt, I don't care. He was phenomenal in this. Blending about three different crappy accents and utilizing the most sarcastic attitude possible, Lt. Aldo Raine quickly becomes the obvious protagonist of the movie along with his psychotic buddies who make up the infamous "Inglourious Basterds," obviously spelled completely wrong. His quotes are, by far, some of the funniest I have heard in recent movies. His sheer lack of focus on life in general is hysterical, and his antics are equivalent to a Jewish hillbilly with a chubby for killing "Gnat-zees," as he calls them.

2. Donny Donowitz, "The Bear Jew,"----ok, pause. The BEAR JEW. How hardcore is that?! unpause----is a mad man. He got the name because he literally beats Nazis' faces in with a baseball bat. A Louisville Slugger-style, all-American, wooden baseball bat. What Holocaust-surviving Jew DIDN'T want to do that?! I'll let you see the movie to experience the rest of this glory.

3. One of my favorite characters is Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz. His over-exaggerated ruthlessness is only matched by The Bear's. His manliness can be summed up in three words: fist, jaw, death.

Let me explain, in a quick scene, a flashback of sorts, that is displayed to express the madness of Stiglitz, he is seen leaning over what is assumed to be a Nazi general's bed, waking the man up by shoving his fist into his mouth, and pushing until it breaks the man's jaw, killing him. Homefry died by fist-suffocation. BAMF.

4. If you haven't seen the movie, don't read this. If you don't care to see the movie, read this. If you want to see the movie but don't care enough about spoilers to miss out on laughing hysterically, read on. Because I promise you, this is most ridiculous scene ever, and it's near the end. If you're one of the former, skip the next paragraph or so.

SPOILERS, MEANING THERE ARE SPOILERS, MEANING BE AWARE THAT THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS, MEANING IT WILL SPOIL STUFF, sorry, here it is:

So are you a fan of Hitler? Didn't think so. If you are a fan of Hitler, get off my blog. Anyways, the previously mentioned Bear Jew and another member of the oh-so-daring Basterds go out the honorable way:

BY MELTING HITLER'S FACE OFF WITH MACHINE GUNS. The complete disregard for history in this movie makes it about as awesome as the Basterds themselves. They are literally standing on a balcony in a movie theater where many of the top-ranking SS officers are, including Hitler and Goebbels, and proceed to just cap people off with automatics while the building is burning down with everyone inside.

SPOILERS DONE, MEANING THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS END, MEANING BE AWARE THAT THE FOLLOWING NO LONGER CONTAINS SPOILERS, MEANING IT WILL NOT SPOIL ANYTHING ELSE, MAYBE:

Back to the sheer lack of historical content in this movie---it was awesome. Basically Tarantino, whose films I usually dislike, totally ripped the floor out from under the Holocaust with this. From knife-carving swastikas into Nazis heads so that they would always be recognized as Nazis, to nonchalantly scalping them for sheer enjoyment, this movie was, in my opinion,

BAMF.

Trevor

Fanny Packs, Oh Yes.

Ok, so maybe most people don't carry their animals in one, but you get the picture.

What the HECK is the point in this thing? What exactly can you put in there?! Most of the time people wear them at theme parks, where they already have pants with pockets on them. Hm... So, instead of using our pockets, let's give other people the impression we're stuck in the 80's and strap this stupid hagbag on our hips.

But really, especially if you already have pockets, maybe you could fit a toothbrush in this? I could think of 10 different ways you could avoid wearing this thing and get the job done. Because I promise you, the only person hurting from strapping this to your side is you, sweetcheeks.

And WHY do they call it a frickin' fanny pack?! Who, in the history of fanny pack-wearing, has worn this thing with it hanging over their butt?! It should be the pelvic pouch or crotch notch or something.

Please stop wearing fanny packs. Please?

Trevor

Sneezing, Eighth Wonder of the World?

Far from it. More like the most agitating thing on the planet.

A sneeze can be a multitude of things:

1. The most relieving thing ever.

2. The most annoying thing ever.

3. The most painful thing ever.


It's nice to sneeze when you're feeling like crap, or you just need a good sneeze. It can be pretty surreal thinking, "my body just got rid of germs for me, I feel happy inside."

It's not nice to sneeze when you're going in for a kiss, when you sneeze and cover your nose with your hand just before you shake a potential employer's hand, or when you keep doing it repeatedly.

It's also exceptionally fun to hear the "special" sneezers with their own sneezy jukebox noses. You know, the funny sounding sneezers. The squeakers, the grunters, the "ah-choo!"ers, etc.

My favorite is when I try to be cool like the nose-holders or the squeakers, and I try to hold it in or whatever. Then my ears explode and I can't hear for two days. Awesome.

None of these compare to the worst, most-common possible "sneezing scenario"--"SS" for short:

Have you ever had to sneeze and couldn't? I would rather fight a bear or defend a gazelle from a cheetah than deal with that. Talking to a friend earlier today brought me to the stunning realization that I absolutely hate this. It doesn't happen very often, but holy kanoli, when it does it is extremely agitating.

It ends with either a relieving sneeze at the worst of times, or a headache from focusing on trying to forcefully self-induce a nasal projectile.

Imagine yourself getting ready for a fun night out. You're all excited. Maybe you're going out with your friends to see this movie that you have been really pumped about seeing, or you've got a hot date.

Then you feel like you have to sneeze, and just before you do, one of your idiot friends says "pineapple" or something else absurdly random that makes you contemplate its sheer stupidity just long enough for you to lock up, unable to sneeze. Fabulous.

Shortly thereafter you begin attempting to force yourself to sneeze, to no avail.

You watch the movie, and just as the best scene of the movie happens, you freakin' sneeze. Thanks friend! Not to mention this is after missing the first 15 minutes of the movie by continuing to attempt to do the perfect stupid human trick--a self-induced sneeze.

Yes, sneezing is a good thing, or so I'm told. But good grief, it could be at more opportune moments.

Trevor

Classic Video Games, Oh the Wonders.

Anyone remember this stud muffin to the left? I have to say, the Nintendo Entertainment System looked like it was ran through a wood chipper, found and pieced back together by some generic grandparents, all the while being painted the color of their 15-year old Cocker Spaniel with a hair pigmentation disease. That thing was ugly as sin, but good riddance was it fun. I don't know how many Saturdays were spent curbstomping goombas, but it was too many to count.




And what about this little piece of childhood? The big brother to the NES, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System was a beast. Dominating its 8-bit younger brother, this 16-bit bad boy could display characters that consisted of not one giant, single-colored pixel, but two or three!

Ok, it wasn't that bad, I actually prefer older systems because they focused more on story and such than graphics and shiny things. Again, I dominated some Mario and other games on this joker, too. Actually, it was Mario AND Yoshi (Super Mario World, anyone?). Amazing.




...Where have games gone??




Don't get me wrong, I enjoy modern games with substance that were made well (Halo, Street Fighter IV), but there are so many CRAP games out there! Developers spend tons of money on the latest graphics and such, but the end product turns out to be a poorly executed project with very little depth! I would much rather play some old school Final Fantasy than even touch half of the "RPGs" or "FPS" games that are supposedly "Next-Gen."

Next-Gen my butt! I'll stick to playing my painted-with-colors-that-were-inspired-by-grandpa NES!

And another thing, what the heck is the issue with innovation?! The Wii is a sweet idea, but there are ZERO games that are even the LEAST bit fun! If you're going to have a new idea, one thing is necessary for it to work...

MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T SUCK.

Nah, I like the Wii. It really is creative. But, seriously, better games please.

Contra III, one of SNES's glory games; this game is a treasure. It's a prime candidate for the lackluster graphics of some of the original SNES games, but good gravy mavy was it fun. Two little pixelated dudes with massive weapons that no human could possibly carry, that ran through the streets of alien-invaded earth, blowing up crap. THAT is a fun multiplayer shoot-em-up, bang-bang-your-dead game. I still play it.

Mario. What the freakin' heck happened to you? First you were running on some brick floors to get to a castle where a hot, ditsy blonde chick was kidnapped for who-knows-what (we can only imagine) by a giant inbred turtle, now you're planet hopping? Super Mario Galaxy is fun, but since when could Mario breathe in space? And are his jumps really THAT ridiculous that he could hop from planet to planet (with little to no gravity)? And Bowser now captures Peach with an ENTIRE FLEET OF AIRSHIPS AND A FRICKIN' UFO?!

Come on champ, you're my favorite mustache-wielding, crime-fighting Italian plumber, but stick to planet earth (if that's where Mushroom Kingdom is), and leave your little star buddies at home. You're a little old for them, aren't you, bud? You must be going on 50 now, and Peach still looks like she's barely legal, yet she has been getting kidnapped for years and looks exactly the same. Maybe Bowser just wants whatever fountain of youth she's drinking out of, ya know? Leave the poor guy alone, because the girl is obviously an idiot. It's time to give it up, she's helpless and doomed to have little spike-backed, demon turtle babies. After the third frickin' game that became pretty apparent.

Back on track, if you want to experience REAL games, whip out the oldest TV you can find and plug up an NES or SNES.

Sweet rapture.

Trevor

The Impossible Quiz

I don't know if you have experienced the glory of the Impossible Quiz yet, but if you haven't, grab a gun and take a seat in front of your computer. I promise you, Russian Roulette will look appetizing after playing this.

Do you see the picture? DO YOU?! That's a freakin' question from this thing! What does that even mean?!?!

Here's a few other examples of the ridiculous questions which make this impossible quiz so... impossible:

One question (#17 to be exact) has a math problem listed, and in the four squares there are answers. However, the math problem equals 17. Yep, you guessed it. You have to click on the problem's number (where the red 2 is in the picture above it would say 17). How dandy, the answer isn't in the answer boxes. Ah, no wonder this quiz is impossible! :)

Another question has two small circles, and you have to move your mouse from one to the other without it ever going outside the circles (or without the computer knowing you did). The problem is, the circles aren't connected. Wait, they aren't connected? Nope.

"Well surely they give you a hint before you mess up and have to start all over," you say.

And yes, if you lose all your lives, you start the whole frickin' thing over.

Yes, they do give you a hint. It says something along the lines of:

"A bridge would be handy..."

Hm.

Really? I wouldn't have thought to use a bridge, CONSIDERING I'M TRYING TO CROSS FROM ONE AREA TO ANOTHER WITHOUT TOUCHING IT!!!!

Let me just show you a brief excerpt of the definition of bridge from Merriam-Webster's oh-so-handy online dictionary:

• Main Entry: ¹bridge
• Pronunciation: \ˈbrij\
• Function: noun
• Etymology: Middle English brigge, from Old English brycg; akin to Old High German brucka bridge, Old Church Slavic brŭvŭno beam
• Date: before 12th century

1 a : a structure carrying a pathway or roadway over a depression or obstacle

Oh, look! The first definition IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!!!

Not only was this the dumbest hint ever, but it pretty much had nothing to do with the solution, at least to me it didn't. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I figured out how to beat it, so I'll call them the morons.

Yep, you guessed it (actually, you probably didn't), you have to click and hold the left mouse button down on this dot thing in the circle your mouse starts in, drag your mouse to the other circle, then let go of the left mouse button. I guess the computer thinks you're still clicking on the dot, and when you let go it realizes, "oh crap, i just got pwnt."

For kicks and giggles, I'll tell you about another little jewel. There is a level where there is bird (can't remember what kind it is) and hovering over each body part tells the name of that body part or describes it in 2-3 words. You have to just be lucky and click the right part to continue to the next level (at least I guess this is how you do it, I lost on this one and got hacked off and stopped playing. It was level 25), joy.

So if you have the patience of Job or are completely out of your mind, play this game. If you need a reason to be upset about something, play this game. If you need a reason to get a new computer, play this game.

Basically, all things evil come from the Impossible Quiz.

Seriously, lock your children up somewhere far away from you before you play this or you might eat them.

Trevor

Kids...Toys?

Ah the wonders of being a kid and driving those wonderful remote -controlled ca-----wait, is that kid driving that while lying on the floor? WAIT, is that a SHELF? IS THAT CAR DRIVING ON THE WALL?!?!

Your eyes haven't deceived you. This piece of spoiled-child property is the new Air Hogs Zero Gravity Micro Car. It drives not only on the floors, but on the freakin' walls. O, and the ceilings. Did I mention it drives on the walls? Actually, it will drive on basically any flat surface. Joy.

Anyways, it's amazing. I would play with this thing right now, much less when I was eight. I remember being happy to get a beast of a remote-controlled car for Christmas that had some fat tires on it and went pretty fast. But what kid would be happy with that when they have cars that ride on the frickin' walls?!

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for new technology. I'm just pissed that I didn't have this as a child. I'm pretty sure the technology in this little car is better than that used to record the entire Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album. It is controlled by the remote control via infrared light and it suctions itself to whatever it's on, assuming it's flat, with this little high-powered fan on it.

Oh, and it's only $30, and will last 10 MINUTES after a 30-minute charge.

That may not sound like a decent period of time, but my monster truck-esque beast of an R/C car that I received that one fateful Christmas, mentioned earlier, was like $200 if I remember correctly, and after like 8 years of charging, would run for a solid minute, outstanding. Just enough time to get it full speed at a blazing 8 mph or so and to crash it head-on into the nearest wall, ruining all hope of it ever looking as glorious as it did when it first came out of that cheap 90's box which us 90's Christmas attendees remember oh-so-well. Those wonderous days are gone forever.

Back on track, kids toys are ballin' nowadays. My niece and nephew (oldest in 6th grade) both have cell phones. Heck, I wouldn't even have anyone to call back then except the police to tell them my refrigerator was running and they needed to catch it.

BACK on track, I'm jealous. Very. Enjoy your wall-climbing pimp mobiles you little demons.

I'll stick to my silly puddy and the occasional slinky.

Trevor

Local Commercials, Stop Yelling at Me

Have you ever cut on your television and started to watch your favorite program, and as soon as you get comfortable the commercials start?

"No worries," you think to yourself, "just another commercial."

And then BAMMM a nuclear reaction takes place and the loudest noise ever conceived comes through your television, and it happens to be the voice of the man at the car dealership down the road!

Then what is supposed to be his fun-loving child becomes a crazed voice on the other end of the psycho tube you're watching, "LOOOWWEEEERRR DDADDDDYYY!!!!!" (you Dothan folks know what I mean by this one :p).

Anyways, the above picture is Norton Furniture store's commercial that is notorious for being the strangest late-night commercial ever made by a local business (there are a few others by Norton Furniture that are equally as strange, this is just a captured frame from one of them). The poor citizens of Cleveland, Ohio get to experience this natural hallucinogen on their TV without even popping in Pink Floyd's The Wall DVD (which, if that were mixed with Norton's commercial then I'm pretty sure the antichrist or some other form of apocalyptic creature would be birthed, and it would simply yell loudly while putting everyone under the influence of LSD's illegitimate stepchild drug).

Not to mention the quality of local commercials is comparable to that found in a terrible 60's horror movie. BUY SOME BETTER CAMERAS! Seriously, why spend money on a commercial when you can take one on your cell phone, email it to yourself, and send that masterpiece to your local broadcasting station.

Of course then the quality might be a bit too good and slightly unbearable for them, wouldn't want it to be something worthwhile!

Just thought I would give a shoutout to the ridiculously loud, crappy commercials that I see every day.

Buy a new camera and turn the frickin' volume down. Cheers.

Trevor

District 9: Head Explosions at Their Finest

First off, let me say that you should see this movie. It was excellent. The plot was exceptionally well put-together, and the flow of the filming was very nicely done. At the beginning, it does a Cloverfield-esque film technique, then slowly transitions to standard filming.

Now for the most hardcore part of the movie: the exploding bodies. Literally.

Pretty much everyone that died did so via explosion. The best of these exploding targets were those who died by headshots.

A giant alien mech/robot thing fires a piece of death candy right into Akon's twin brother, the gang lord. I swear I thought that guy was Akon... Anyways, his snoz was drilled by some projectile/taser/facebomb thing. It was by far the most hardcore weapon ever, alongside the magnetic bullet-ball-thing (see the movie and you'll know what I mean, it happens right before homefry gets popped in the face with the head-specific c4).

Not only did Akon no.2 get his head blown off by Scarface's dream weapon, but he did so while sitting in his wheelchair. If that doesn't say helpless death I don't know what does. He deserved it though (again, see the film).

Anyways, if you want to see exploding bodies and total domination by machines whose destructiveness is rivaled only by that of the Terminators in the new Terminator: Salvation, check out this movie.

Nice job Peter Jackson, stick to aliens and their robots and leave King Kong on that island. That remake was terrible, but hey! Redemption is sweet, and even without the plot, sweet film techniques, etc., Peter Jackson was redeemed by this masterpiece and its gruesome, creative, and all-around manly deaths.

Trevor

The Unattractive Fabulousness of Hair Crimping

Ladies.

I honestly look at this and wonder: Were you high? Did you meet with Donald Trump for your hair consultation? This is almost as bad as Bermuda shorts. Almost.

Just thought I would enlighten everyone on this wonderful aspect of 80's society that is sadly becoming prevalent yet again.

Don't do this to yourself. It looks like the south side of a northbound goat.

Anyways, have a good day and don't straighten your hair with Sun Chips.

Trevor

...Ok I'm not done. This is terrible, I could regurgitate in your hairbrush before you got dressed, and you would dominate the above look after you ran that puppy through your hair.

I think I'll just wear guacamole on my face, that's attractive, right? Of course. Maybe this crimping thing isn't TOO bad.

What am I saying?! This is hideous! I would rather sit on a hot fire poker and spin than let a friend of mine out in public looking like that.

If you crimp your hair--

don't.

Better Than HDMI

Ok, so have you ever bought any kind of cheap audio or video cable at Wal-Mart, Target, Circuit City, Best Buy, or some other massive store and gotten CRAP quality? You pay for the store's brand (Dynex, etc.) or another cheap brand and get jipped. That sucks. But what happens when you pay 100$ FOR A MONSTER CABLE, or some other super-expensive, skinny piece of wire and it breaks after a few months use?! I'll tell you:

YOU GET HACKED OFF!

Recently this happened :( So I decided to look around for better cables. Surely there was some hanky-spanky American manufacturer shelling out some no-joke goods.

Well, you would be surprised how unbelievably non-existent that dream place really is.

...Except for one little piece of glory:

Blue Jeans Cables!

I'm about to order my first HDMI cable from them, and will follow up with a review later. But heck! I haven't read a bad thing yet! Just read their About Us on their website at bluejeanscable.com, it's impressive! It's a lawyer (I might be a bit biased :p) and his wife who originally started the company by hand-crafting the cables.

Now they have expensive, custom machines that do everything to their exact specs!

O, and Monster tried to sue them. Failed miserably, go back home, you el crapo cable.

Anyways, check them out, seriously. All wire is Belden (AMERICAN MADE!!) and they use their own connector ends and make the wire for you. I have read MULTIPLE reviews where people have compared them to top dollar Monster, Belkin, and other brand cables. All of the reviews say they blow them out of the water in price and performance. Guess what else?

THE TOP-OF-THE-LINE FOUUUURRRR FOOOOTTTT MONSTER CABLE IS 100$!!!

Wow.

But how much is the top-of-the-line, four foot, Blue Jeans Cable, that performs better, lasts longer, and is oh-so-American?

Are you ready?

$21.

WOW.

Twenty-one flippin' dollars. That's their most expensive, thickest, best model too.

The second-best model (most popular from what I hear) is 14.50$. If you're SUPER cheap, they offer a Chinese model, and from what I have been hearing, any of their cables, including their super-low-end model with Chinese parts, can compare to the quality and supposed manliness of the Monster cables.

So, if you're looking for speaker wire, analog audio/video interconnects, HDMI cables, or ANYTHING audio-video for that matter (including HDMI switches, which they sell, and which are usually super expensive, but only like 50$ here, and probably kill the competition), check out Blue Jeans Cable.

And if you don't, then--ok. But you should, it's American, it's better than the competition, it's cheaper, and it has denim in the title. What gets better than that? Did I mention it's CHEAPER?! 1/5th the price?!

So, make your decision wisely. Or avoid all audio-video products in general.

I choose the former! :)

Trevor

P.S. Just buy a Blue Jeans Cable product. Seriously.

P.S.S. The purple "wow's" are links.... click to see the prices...

Blogs

Ever wondered WHY people blog? ...Ya, me too. Despite the fact that Americans have too much time to waste (myself as a prime candidate), we have now added into the equation the wonderful world of blogging.

A lot of people are confused on what blogging actually is. But, to be honest, it's really quite simple! See you just write about---nothing. There really is no point.

"But there has to be SOME point or people wouldn't be doing it!"

Correct.

The point of my blog will be to talk about whatever sparks my interest that day! Whether it be potato chips or the color of the little "laser" lights on the laser-tag guns at the kids' play place down the road, it will probably be discussed here.

So, if you would like to join me on my quest to talk about--anything!--then do so! I just want to enjoy God's green earth and pretend it's not as bad as it really is.

YHWH bless,

Trevor

P.S. This was my topic for today, and was rather short. It was just an intro! :)