Sneezing, Eighth Wonder of the World?

Far from it. More like the most agitating thing on the planet.

A sneeze can be a multitude of things:

1. The most relieving thing ever.

2. The most annoying thing ever.

3. The most painful thing ever.


It's nice to sneeze when you're feeling like crap, or you just need a good sneeze. It can be pretty surreal thinking, "my body just got rid of germs for me, I feel happy inside."

It's not nice to sneeze when you're going in for a kiss, when you sneeze and cover your nose with your hand just before you shake a potential employer's hand, or when you keep doing it repeatedly.

It's also exceptionally fun to hear the "special" sneezers with their own sneezy jukebox noses. You know, the funny sounding sneezers. The squeakers, the grunters, the "ah-choo!"ers, etc.

My favorite is when I try to be cool like the nose-holders or the squeakers, and I try to hold it in or whatever. Then my ears explode and I can't hear for two days. Awesome.

None of these compare to the worst, most-common possible "sneezing scenario"--"SS" for short:

Have you ever had to sneeze and couldn't? I would rather fight a bear or defend a gazelle from a cheetah than deal with that. Talking to a friend earlier today brought me to the stunning realization that I absolutely hate this. It doesn't happen very often, but holy kanoli, when it does it is extremely agitating.

It ends with either a relieving sneeze at the worst of times, or a headache from focusing on trying to forcefully self-induce a nasal projectile.

Imagine yourself getting ready for a fun night out. You're all excited. Maybe you're going out with your friends to see this movie that you have been really pumped about seeing, or you've got a hot date.

Then you feel like you have to sneeze, and just before you do, one of your idiot friends says "pineapple" or something else absurdly random that makes you contemplate its sheer stupidity just long enough for you to lock up, unable to sneeze. Fabulous.

Shortly thereafter you begin attempting to force yourself to sneeze, to no avail.

You watch the movie, and just as the best scene of the movie happens, you freakin' sneeze. Thanks friend! Not to mention this is after missing the first 15 minutes of the movie by continuing to attempt to do the perfect stupid human trick--a self-induced sneeze.

Yes, sneezing is a good thing, or so I'm told. But good grief, it could be at more opportune moments.

Trevor